Remembering for the Sake of Not Forgetting
This blog post shares information about suicide. If you or someone you know is in a crisis, needs help immediately, and is located in the U.S., please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (En Español: 1-888-628-9454; For TTY Users: Use your preferred relay service or dial 711 then 1-800-273-8255.) or the Crisis Text Line by texting MHA to 741741.
Find more information and resources at www.thestabilitynetwork.org/mental-health-resources/.
Remembering can be traumatic…especially in the midst of a tragedy. It’s taken me years, decades even, to write about my parents’ transition to the ancestral realm, about how they died, how they passed on. I dealt with my grief through busyness, sometimes resulting in a bipolar relapse where mania was in charge. On the flip side, a major depression would shut down my busyness and I thought about dying more than living I would attempt to take my own life. The only thing that kept me going was the two amazing children I am blessed to have: Jonathan and Faith. They were my lifeline. But, sometimes parenting was such a huge responsibility that I checked out on them, too. Fortunately, we had a village where the elders would swoop in and take over while I was recovering. Eventually, I would get better, pick up the pieces of my frayed life, and get back to work doing what I love: research and writing while being a community organizer and activist, focusing on what it means to create a better world for everyone.
My parents died by suicide in 1997 and for whatever reason, in 2004, the seventh anniversary of my parents’ transition from the earthly realm, I experienced a major crisis. I had to understand that I could not be healthy without grieving. I could not push my grief away. I could not rely on stoicism. I needed help. I had to value the process of remembering enough to feel my pain so I would better understand how to heal. Sharing mystory was part of my healing journey and from time to time there would be unique opportunities to expose my pain, times when I felt it would be safe. In the meantime, there was more awareness around suicide. There were more resources, ones like support groups for parents who had lost children, ones unavailable to my beloved parents who bore the weight of their grief in silence when they tragically lost their precious son.
There are some parts of my life that are very private and this was one of them, but we have too much tragedy in our community to remain silent. Yes, we are still standing despite all the pain but we’re also hurting and we have to help each other heal. We have to step up and end the silence. I’m constantly in prayer asking for the strength to do my part and help others. The statistics tell us what we already know. We are in the midst of a suicide epidemic. My commitment to be part of the change we need depends on my journey to health and resilience. My journey includes sharing what I wrote in 2004…it’s titled “Remembering for the Sake of Never Forgetting”.
Suicides
Mama overdosed on prescription medications
Daddy seven days later, gunshot to the head
Me…falling apart but holding it together
Remembering…taking care of business
For as the oldest of four, responsibilities I had
Funeral arrangements, explanations to offer
Why did it all happen?
I tried to explain what I wouldn’t forget
Remembering tragedy of 30 plus years before
Precious little brother, only six years old, falls to his death
From our third-story porch with inadequate railing
Slum landlord not held accountable
No housing court, no litigation, no justice that could not be found in a court of law anyway
Daddy cries alone, unable to accept even the comfort of his beloved wife
The grief combined with guilt strengthened the “what ifs” and created the whys
For remembering what they could not forget
Moving from poor neighborhood to middle-class one
White flight, re-segregation, gentrification…it all supports the politics of American democracy
Promoting equality where prejudice, discrimination, and racism
Function to maintain social, political, and economic inequality
My precious brother’s death reminded us not to forget
Struggles of ancestors long ago
Remembering the price they paid
Paving a way for future generations
Surviving tragedy
Families sold, murdered, brutalized, de-humanized
By any means necessary
Systems of oppression successfully maintained despite the relentless pain they create
Suicides
Remembering anniversaries
Seven years already…November 2004
I survived while forgetting the in-between spaces called years
Filled with life’s work…covered with busyness and distractions
Finding comfort in happy times with my children
Family and friends did their best to provide support
They were the village we needed to sustain ourselves
But grief and consolation went unresolved
And I remembered for the sake of never forgetting
The pictures depict my family’s journey through success, pride, and joy
My memories overflow with the legacy of goodness I inherited
Yet, they also cause me to pause and ponder
For beneath the photographs laid tragedy left unprocessed
Indelible stains not easily removed
Unknowing that pain and wounds left untreated
Create potential for risk and self-destruction
For my parents knew of constant remembering
I acknowledge what I witnessed…the haunting that was left
They struggled to hold on when we visited the cemetery to place flowers on his tiny tombstone in August, the month of his birth
They were more than strong to provide love and nurturing despite missing their precious son
Welcoming their grandchildren with jubilant arms, showering them with tenderness and devotion
And raise their other three children to adulthood
But pain strangled happiness
And suicide took hold
How can I forget their pain?
When I struggle with the wounds created for me
And remember that I cannot forget and need to understand
And know……..Thy will is done
As I surrender to Our Creator’s will for obedience to my parents’ hopes and dreams
To develop the potential they first saw in me
And so, I remember to never forget the legacy my parents left
Strength, wisdom, laughter
Joy, tears, hugs, a soft place to land
A roof over my head, a place to call home
Delicious meals whenever I needed nourishment
My mother could cook and we anticipated each and every single meal!
And my father, he was quite the provider, ensuring that our every need was met!
I had to practice and humble myself
Leave behind the pain to
Understand that life is precious and invaluable
A gift that my parents sacrificed
A decision that only they could make
And I challenged anyone to judge their actions or
Document the pain that only they knew
As I honor and pay tribute to them
I will not forget to remember
Just how happy they were when they first fell in love
And created me
And so today…fifteen years later
I am still remembering to never forget
Their legacy of faith, hope, love, perseverance, and righteousness
For my parents are now ancestors providing timeless wisdom
And, I am remembering for the sake of never forgetting
Just how very much I will always love them
In loving memory of
Margene and Edward Farmer
